are we thewaiting

Monday, June 13, 2005

.afflicted with paranoia.

last night, i went promptly to bed at eleven. surprisingly, it was not until way after twelve did i fall asleep. this has never happened to me before and i was shocked at how at a young age of fifteen-going-sixteen, i was starting to suffer from insomnia.
is my body starting to age physically? am i going to be a sixteen-year-old teenage girl stuck in the shell of a dying old woman? am i sick? am i going to die soon? these endless streams of questions started to surface incessantly in my mind. you can say that im just being needlessly paranoid, but i was still suffering from the aftermath of reading this book on hermaphrodites. did you know that you can live your whole life as a female and realize at the age of thirty three, that you have male organs inside of you as well? freaky!

my family tree has a list of bad medical history. starting from my great great grandmother, she passed away at a young age after being diagnosed with cancer. to my upmost horror, this "cancer thingamy" is a hereditary disease. just recently, my distant aunt found a malignant tumour in her throat. her "cancer condition" was already in stage two when she found out about her predicament. my mum went to visit her and she told me that she thinks that the chances of her having a full recovery is rather slim.

as for my paternal side, both my grandfather and my dad suffer from high blood pressure. my dad's condition is rather serious as his might lead to diabeties and in turn, kidney failure. he told me that high blood pressure is something that can be passed down from generation to generation. it is because of his condition that has caused him a rather deprived adulthood.
at the age of 28, when guys were happily riding roller-coasters with their girl-friends, hoping to show them how brave they were... he brought my mum to sit the most exciting ride in the theme park, the ferris wheel. due to his illness, he could not eat sweet stuff; hence, while people were blissfully stuffing themselves with the pleasures of junk food (or delicacies that were slightly sweetened), he was popping the pills.

so you see, with a family tree of such extensive history of bad medical records (mind you, these are only two examples), who can blame me for being slightly over-the-top. i must say though, that it is this exhibition of irrational fear that makes me certain im alive.

jerrie kicks;; 1:42 PM

Thursday, June 02, 2005

.odd.

it's just one of those moments when you cannot help but start finding fault with everyone. relationships just seem so superficial and complicated at present. there's no actual manual on how to handle certain problems. i just wished everything was more simplistic. more transpicuous.

Anyways, from the moment i left for school today, i knew that it was going to be a bad day. first, i was late. and then there was the returning of report books. to top it off, we all had to stay back for some dumb NE quiz that i was thankful i did not fail.

short entry. lots of thoughts running through my head. difficult to put them down in words.

jerrie kicks;; 11:02 PM