are we thewaiting

Monday, July 26, 2004

.numb.

so i guess this is it. when everything seems to come to naught. she has left. it's extremely frustrating and sad at the same time when all you wish for is that she would not go and that everything would remain the same but knowing also that this is impossible and that she would not stay. sigh. it took me quite a while before i accepted the fact that partings are inevitable in life and that we have to take is bravely as it comes.
so there was the usual cryings, huggings and mushy farewell messages today. did not cry. was just feeling rather numb and heavy-hearted at the same time. sad, definitely. it led me thinking that we should not get too emotionally attached with someone. to not care. to not feel so much. so when it comes to the time for us to part, there would be less pain. less heart-aches.
eating chocolates now. it's been scientifically proven that if you eat sweet stuff, you will feel happier. it's not really working but yeah. it's definitely a start.

she was special. and she mattered. a whole damn lot too.

.this sucks.

jerrie kicks;; 11:21 PM

Monday, July 19, 2004

.euphoric.then.heartbrokened.

this is a poem done by tze shun and me during math lesson in a desperate attempt to kill our boredom. it further proves that we live up to our name of being horny lit students :)

You call that love? special guest: tomomi and wei ling

I am suffocating

under your tightened reins and ropes

that keep me so bound

unable to breathe

Your love is enough

to send me the nightmares

of a million years

Your love is enough

to give me the shivers

of a thosand centuries

Your disgustingly pathetic little gifts

are nothing worthy of me

The thought of spending the whole of my life with you

irks me terribly

You impudent hypocritical insufferable little freak

stop disrupting me peace

Your invasion of my tranquil haven

brings me no choice but to infuse you in this agony

As the years go by

I have long come to see

Life is a bed of thorns

that never stops for thee.

I know it hurts

When after going through so much

everything comes to naught

You call that love

I call that lust

so please stop

stop holding me back

Cause you are KILLING me

it had been a rather disturbing week. cai was lecturing me more than usual. she has become terribly annoying.

then there was math test. chem practical exam. returning of test papers. and failing them miserably. sigh. i hate being fifteen.

"im fifteen for a moment. caught in between ten and twenty and im just dreaming... counting the ways to where you are." love this song. i can identify myself with it. pooh.

where are you when i needed a hug? this sucks. it really sucks.

jerrie kicks;; 10:46 PM

Sunday, July 11, 2004

.happy.then.lost.

its been a while since i last blogged. didnt have the mood. didnt have the time. sigh. anyway, thought that i better do something about this so here i am.

was feeling rather happy earlier in the week. there was the jerrie and tze shun love poem. tze shun and i made love poems during chinese period. we thought that instead of wasting our time day dreaming during cai's lesson, we would do something constructive. and 'pop!', the poem thing came about. of course, we owed our inspiration to wei, joel and yesh, andrew marvell. (to his coy mistress)
then there was the contract that sophia, tze shun and i made at kap about meeting 7 years later to live under a same roof along with the rest of the volleyballers. i sure do hope everyone remembers this. feeling excited yet afraid at the same time. sigh.

however, all good things come to an end. despite the happy change of events in the early part of the week, i must say i was suddenly hit by this 'shock' that jerked me back to reality. it started me thinking about what i want to do in the future. am i really going to let my life go to waste and things like that. got kinda freaked out. pooh. a feeling that i certainly dont welcome. it was as though i was losing control of my life. as though everything was falling apart and i have no idea how to piece everything back together.
i guess i got to start re-examining my life. try to get everything back in order. start preparing for the future. i sound old i know. and i am certainly not confident that i would be able to get everything back together. but there is still time. and i could always start with something small.. like clearing all of my debts first. i am willing myself to give this a shot.
it will work out. it better work out.

jerrie kicks;; 4:45 PM

Sunday, July 04, 2004

.sigh.

i think im being too personal on my blog. shall limit the stuff on my blog to less personal stuff from now on unless i really feel like exploding. sigh. this sucks. im returning back to the days when i start to question the meaning and purpose of MY life. the rights of speaking freely without worries. and everything else. like wei ting said, "people strive to reach their ultimate goal in life but while in the midst of doing so, they lose everything else". i wonder how true is this.

sometimes. just sometimes. i wonder, what purpose does that piece of cerfiticate serve. everyone is striving to get it. everyone wants their daughter or son to get it. they think that that cerfiticate is the key to being successful in life. the key to be rich. and if you dont get that cerfiticate, you are doomed. you will be looked down at for the rest of your life. but how true is this i wonder? how do you define success? to you success maybe to be rich and to live comfortably. but to me, success might just be to pursue my own dreams. to be happy. whether my dreams are ambitious or not, this is my life. i make the ultimate choices of how i want to live it in the end. and i hope that you will respect that.

jerrie kicks;; 10:47 PM

Friday, July 02, 2004

.not my day.

so it has all come down to this. cannot exactly say that i am feeling guilty or sorry about what happened today. did not exactly think that we deserved what she said to us today. those harsh words were definietly uncalled for. during the three rounds around the school as a punishment for being noisy in the gym room, her words kept replaying in my mind. "why should i be committed to this badge", "disappointed in you", "to think i trusted you all", "i cant imagine what will happen when i leave". i cannot exactly quote what she said but it was something to this effect. i mean what the heck, i do know that she is leaving, but she does not have to keep rubbing it in no matter how true it is. it hurts. no matter how many times i would try to remind myself that she is leaving. partings are never easy. and it does not matter whether the person who is leaving is someone i like or not, because it is painful all the same. at least to me. after going through so much, it just all comes down to nothing.

on my way home, i started thinking about a lot of things. we probably deserved what we got today. everyone else was feeling at least a tinge of remorse. all except me. im not pissed with her punishing us or anything, just feeling a little numb. yet again.
feeling confused. and bad. sometimes, i wished that she would just go. yet other times, i wished that she would stay. in a dilemna. and it sucks.

listening to accidentally in love by the counting crows now. it never fails to cheer me up. i should just stop worrying and thinking about so many things. makes life such a drag does it not.

jerrie kicks;; 9:45 PM