.life.
was at my cousin's church wedding yesterday. and there was this part that required us to turn and hug and show appreciation and love to the people around us. so i did. even to this woman who was sitting beside me though i dont really know her. at first everything was rather awkward, but i guess it got better. after all, though we are not immediate relatives, we are still connected somehow ya.
it made me realise how important it is to show our appreciation and love to the people around us.
to my family: no matter how i hate you all at times, you know i still love all of you. (well, a few exceptions here and there)
to my friends: im a rather difficult person to get along with. and im extremely thankful to those who have stuck with me right from the beginning. being with me through the ups and downs. you guys mean a great deal to me :)
to my teammates (sec threes): we have been through a lot together. from our very first training to now when she is going to leave. good and bad times. happy and unhappy periods. i still remember the time when we cried after losing a crucial match during c div. i remember the times when some of us cannot take the tedious trainings and fell sick. i remember the times when we felt as though the sky was going to fall on us. but im glad to say we have braved these storms together. never giving up on one another. never failing to help each other out with their problems. and these are things which are irreplaceable. thank you. im certain that whatever adversities we might face in the future, especially when she leaves and the new coach comes, we will brace ourselves up and go through it together. together.
life is a miraculous thing. you will never know when it will throw a curveball at you. i have never meant to do anything bad. i have never meant to say anything to hurt anyone. but i did. many a times. though i will try to salvage the situation as much as my pride will allow me to, what's done is done. no matter how sorry i am, my pride is one thing that will hold me back. saying sorry to someone is as far as i will ever go. and i never will unless the situation really calls for it.
sometimes i wonder, having too much pride. what can it bring? nothing but trouble.
.just somthing i thought about.
pardon me if the entry does not make sense, kinda tired at the moment. will edit it some other time.
when i look back years from now, what i am going to remember is not about when i am so good and polite to this teacher nor when i am so nice and helpful to someone in need. though i got to admit it feels good when we help someone out, when we do our bit for charity and we do things that are not bad and wont get us in trouble... i think that things like these are not what we are going to remember when we are old. for me, what will live in my memories forever are times when i was feeling a little rebellious and did not follow the set of rules given to us. instead, we followed what we deemed "better" in a sense. what i am going to remember is the thrill of doing these things. when we had our friends together with us. when we get punished together. memories like these are irreplaceable for me. we may laugh at our naive behavior when we grow old, but i bet if we were given another chance to live again, we will still commit the same "crime". at least i will.
im not implying that we should be naughty girls just to create this memories, but if we could just follow our heart once in a while instead of doing what people tell us to do, do something different... a change instead of sticking to the usual daily routine of going to school and then coming home to do school homework.. life would be more meaningful ya? after all, you are living for yourself and not for others.
i know that memories do not only comprise of significant events but people as well. i guess the best examples of these people that will live with you till your dying day are your true friends. dont really wanna elaborate on this... you get the idea.
i know that this entry may sound rather dumb. but to me, being the very futuristic (if there is such a word) person that i am, i think it is something worth thinking about. i hope. at least to me.
.crazy day.
before everything, i gotta wish sheen a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! know that you seem to be troubled by certain things at the moment so i hoped today cheered you up. at least a little ya. you know you have got your friends to talk to whenever you are down, dont keep everything to yourself or else you will feel so suffocated. smile dear =)
my butt and my leg are hurting terribly. fell down the damned stairs today. feeling humiliated. pooh.
dont really have the mood to narrate the crazy events that happened today. feeling very tired. i realised that some people whom i deem to be my friends do not treat me as theirs. sometimes, i cant help but agree with sharon, why are human relationships so complicated? choices that we make in life. sometimes, there is no way we can make amendments. to that friend that i previously mention in my blog... sorry. perhaps the way things turned out for us is partially my fault as well. i know that there is no turning back for us. though i had my fair share of sleepless nights and heartaches, i doubt you were even troubled about this. i dont really care anymore. with the many painful things that happened this year, to not care... is something i have learned the hard way. you will still be that friend of mine. i have given up on forgetting you cause i know i never will be able to, but perhaps your memory will slowly fade away in time. you being happy and everything, is all i wish for now. why hate when you can love?
everything is not exactly going my way at the moment. im sorta going through this rough patch where i got to sort out my life. but i guess after going through all these, i learn more about the harsh reality of this cruel world. sometimes... just sometimes, i wish i was still a child. when all i care about is whether my parents were going to give me the ice cream that i so wanted or the toy that i have always dreamed of getting. when friends were true and life was free of stress. when everything was just so simple... so simple. why do we have to grow up? it has been a question that revolves around my mind from time to time especially now, but i doubt i will be able to answer that question. because we have to i guess.
.you dont understand me.
i have always thought of you as this understanding, always be there for me FRIEND... but i guess i was wrong. the way we are now all started because of some stupid misunderstandings. you say that it was because i lack trust in you, but i think otherwise. perhaps it is because we both have different views on how a friendship is suppose to be. sometimes, showing that you care, showing that you do want and need me as a friend is all that a friendship needs to be maintained. you say that i have got to have trust to develop a relationship of any sort, but if you dont show that you care for me as a friend... and i have got to keep guessing how you feel, this kind of friendship is very tiring. it totally sucks. you know what, i cant stand it anymore damn it! i have been keeping this inside of me for so long. whenever i try to make you understand how i truely feel, you bombard me with your ridiculous reasonings. it makes it so hard to explain how i am feeling. why dont you hear me out?! for once.
you know what, i really really do care about this friendship and i do hope that it will blossom, but by the looks of it, i doubt it ever will. after trying so hard to maintain this friendship, i think that it is about time i let go. i can think of a million reasons why we should end this friendship but yet, why is it so hard? you may not have viewed me as this important friend of yours, but whether you believed it or not.. i did.
im scared. terrified. petrified. freaked out. but also... im feeling very sad. i have never felt this way before. perhaps because i have never tried so hard to maintain a friendship like this. whenever we quarrel, it will always be me. ME. i will always be the one taking the initiaitve to make the first move. does it never occur to you that it takes two hands to clap?!?!
damn this, you know what? nevermind. forget it. while i am here thinking so much about this stupid thing, i bet that i have never ever crossed your mind. i never thought anyone's actions other than my parents would have hurt me more or "equalled" the hurt i felt when she was going to leave. but you did. you really did.
i will let you go. i swear to God, i will.
...
It's been some time since i last updated so I thought it was high time i did something to my blog even though nothing really interesting happened to me the past few days.
few words to say though...
to sophia:
sorry about yesterday. guess i was being rather rude by slamming down the phone the minute i said bye and not waiting for you to say anything. :/
to keeps:
dont really know what is going on between you and chang tsai, but i guess it is something rather depressing. i think it is kinda sad to see that everyone seems to be falling into this "depression" thingy. everyone seems to be smiling lesser these few days. i really hope to see that vibrant smile of yours soon, kee pin. i just want to say that everyone, and i mean EVERYONE, is not a failure, it is not until you deem yourself a failure before you are one.
to the sec three volleyballers:
i was afraid that she would not train us as hard as she did last year before she decided to leave. but i guess my worst fear is over, seeing the intensive trainings that she has been giving us. i guess our old coach is back... until she leaves.
to sharon:
was reading your previous entry. about the thing that we are ostracising you, dont think too much about it ya. sorry about forgetting to inform you about some things, some of us always get to know of things last min as well. it is not that we intentionally dont want to let you know or anything. sorry if you think that we are whispering about you behind your back, we are not, but i guess i can understand how you feel. about your question on why human relationships are so complicated.. i think that human relationships aint complicated, you have just got to learn to trust. i know how important trust is for a relationship of any sort to develop cause i had to learn it the hard way... losing the friendship of a dear friend in return.
to she min:
thanks for the wonderful flowers, postcards and gifts. they make me feel needed and wanted as a friend. And i think feelings like this are necessary to me at times. thank you. =)
and lastly, to wei ling:
dont really know why you are getting so easily irritable these few days. i hope you will understand that sometimes, things are not decided by me only. no matter how much i want to go out with you, if my parents go bonkers and say no, there is nothing i can do, they have the final say i guess. im not blaming you or anything, just hoping that you will understand.
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