hO wEi LiNg
this is the promised entry about you...
she is good in math. she is good in english. she is good in most of her subjects except chinese oral. she is a good friend. she loves to help people. she is good in public relations. she is good at cheering people up. she is good at doing things her own way. *I think I have said enough good things about you*
But, of all the things she is good at, i am also good at something. i am good at lying. =)
.confused. what is there to believe.
so the truth is finally out. we finally got to know the reason why she is leaving. though the reason is not one that i have imagined, i still think that she is being rather selfish in her actions. i cannot help it. i do try to put myself in her shoes but ultimately, under all the hatred and the anger inside of me... i am feeling hurt. terribly.
i have gotten use to her trainings. i have gotten use to her punishing us whenever we cannot meet her expectations. i have gotten use to her unreasonable ways. i have gotten use to her not willing to hear us out, her everything. i have started to appreciate these little things. everything. including her shoutings... everything little thing of her.
to her:
why is it that after i have started to cherish and appreciate you, you has got to leave. not only leave, but place us before some other school that you have only just started coaching as well. why do you not give us the best left of the little time we have left together to train, is this too much to ask? forget the betrayal, forget the leaving, deep down... your actions make me feel as if you do not care. you make me feel as though after almost three years of coaching us, we do not mean anything to you. we are so easy to let go. we are nothing. though i did not want to admit it, your actions hurt the hell out of me.
i have got so much to say. i have so many thoughts bottled up inside of me right now. however, i am feeling very tired. whenever i start thinking that she is going to leave, it pains me very badly. i will pull myself up, i will not let myself fall. but it is so hard... so difficult. i hate her for making me feel this way. i have realised that she has got to matter to me in order to make me feel this way.
i do not wish for the impossible, hoping that time would stop and you would not go. but please, dont let me think so little of you.
.torn apart.
she is leaving. was shocked that i was not sad but rather, frustrated and annoyed. im sick and tired of this attitude of hers, why does it seem that she does not care about us. i was thinking a lot about this just now but i think it is better that i bottle everything up inside of me for now.. for now. i just want to let her know i will not fall because of you. do not ever count on it.
feeling blue. again. im getting numb to this emotion, know what i mean? feeling very confused. i think i will just leave it as that for now.
feeling lousy. dont care anymore. it's that simple.
feeling extremely lousy at the moment. hate that man i call my father. hate the school library for sending my parents a letter to ask them to acknowledge me losing some books. hate the physics test yesterday. ARGH! im feeling murderous.
anyway, this is to a dear friend. know that she was miserable a few days back because of Sir ... chum chum george, her dog. She , the dog, was hospitalised but im glad to say that she is out now. just wanna tell you not to worry about your mother, i have got worse family problems than you. hang in there! i think we will learn to appreciate them when we grow up, one way or another. somehow ya? take it easy, you have the support of your friends and me. you know you can msg me anytime you want ya. hang on orange!
and shemin, you dont have to do anything to make me dedicate a post for you. read your blog a couple of days back and im touched by what you have said. thank you for "liking" the eight of us, we dont care what the rest of the school say so dont worry about it. dont get so agitated about it cause they are SO not worth it. life still goes on, with or without these ridiculous rumours. smiles.:)
have faith in yourself
this post is dedicated to this person whom i have offended a few days back. im sorry for not trusting you. thank you for being extra nice by not making things awkward. and yeah, i agree that it is nice and all being friends.
today was the damn 2.4km run, i practically died on my sixth round if it was not for celine encouraging me not to walk.. but i did anyway. YAY! finally got the sickening thing over and done with.
dont really know what to say... cant really find the exact words to express my feelings now. a mixture of everything. just realised how vulnerable we are, that we may seem so strong on the outside but we can be so fragile on the inside. got a friend (don really know if i should mention her name so i will leave her as anonymous), she looks very strong on the surface, but after what she messaged me today made me realise how depressed she was. she even went to the extent in questioning me what is the point of living... and this scares the hell out of me. i do feel depress at times as well, and i have those terrible mood swings... but i have never thought of ending me life. i believe that although we may suck at everything we are doing right now, but there is a place out there for... for us. know what i mean? some people are just suited to play tennis, some have the brains... but it does not mean that oh... you are a clerk and not the boss... this means you are a failure. so to that friend and everyone else who are feeling down... have faith. everything will turn out alright in the end.
i dont understand...
sometimes.. sometimes when things do not happen or turn out the way you want them to... what do you do? do you turn to your family or friends for help or do you just keep everything to yourself? why is it that whenever i turn to you for some sort of comfort, you give me that indifferent attitude that you do not care? it just so happens that you matter to me so much so that what you did hurts the hell out of me.
disheartened.. =(
today was the first training that we had with the sec twos and by the looks of it, i am afraid to say that if we want to go as far as the seniors did this year, we have got to work extremely hard. was rather dishearted. i felt that perhaps a serious attitude change towards volleyball is needed.
anyway, yesterday.. i was thinking of going overseas or going to international school to study. lots of people from my class are applying to go to either overseas school or international school to study. though i really want to go overseas to study as well, there is that little tiny factor hindering me from going and that is money. i guess my parents can never afford to spare that kind of money to send me overseas to study but i dont blame them. again, there is another option and that is to apply for a scholarship.. but judging from the prospects of it, i dont think it is ever possible of me winning any kind of scholarship.. or perhaps i shall say.. it is totally impossible. guess i am stuck with singapore ya... but look on the bright side.. here is where all my friends, family are... it is hard to put all these down.
gotta go and do my lit assignment now.. it was due like few days back so.. yeah. to end off, i gotta apologise to everyone for my bad bad bad mood swings these few days. especially wei ting.. *the giving of the geog thing to rashida*. sorry. =( i know it kinda suck being my friends.
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